Three years ago....

Three years ago today, I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I have very good memory (even though I wish I could erase certain things out of my mind). Anyway, I'm feeling kinda down.. I notice I feel like this for a while around this time of year. The reason it is sad because my pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage on October 30, 2004.

I was on the rebound from the breakup with Dustin that April 04 and I met this guy in August, he was on rebound as well himself....... we hooked up a couple times. Although we chatted everyday on IM.. he didn't make efforts to get together ... we had only gotten together 4 times total. We went to the state fair on Sept 25th. It was real lame because we didn't even go on any rides... l.a.m.e. So we slept together that night... and couple more times after that... .then we continued to talk everyday via IM ... we planned on getting together on October 15th. A few days before that, I had noticed that I had been feeling very tired lately ................then noticed that my period was late.. I bought home pregnancy test from Target... ran it Friday night the 14th.. negative. So I thought I'd try again in the morning as the concretation in the urine is much stronger. Anyway on October 15th, I was just feeling really tired and I didn't feel like going out with him, so I stood him up. Even though I don't believe in testing guys (that is game playing). I just had to test him.. and I went to bed.. woke up in the morning .. came downstairs.. noticed he never made an effort to find out what was up.. .I was irritated.. so I had decided to put an end to this so called relationship or hook up or bootay call whatever that was.. so I IM'ed him, and told him that I was sorry that I didn't show up last night, that I was tired, he said that was ok. I was waiting for a co worker to bring over her chaise chair that I bought from her and still have it to this day and I love it.. anyway I took the test again. and went out to clean the living room, something told me to go look at the test. .I went ... and yikes it was positive... the co worker wasn't due for at least an hour or so .. i called up my best friend, told her about the test and that I was running out to Group Health to the lab dept to double check. It was a 5 min drive from my home. I went in and asked for a pregnancy test. They ran it.. and came out with paperwork, smiling at me. OMG. It said POSITIVE. I drove back home.. called my best friend again and told her. I couldn't continue the conversation because co worker was due any minute. They finally arrived. I did not tell them. I left him a message that I had something urgent to tell him. I was waiting for him to get back to me... and I just lost patience.. and hopped into my car and started driving to his home.. he finally texted me back asking me what's so urgent.. I told him I will get back to him, and that I was driving, but I didn't tell him I was heading to his place.

Got to his place, knocked on his door, he answered and let me in. We sat down at the table, I didn't say anything, I just threw the lab paper at him, he looked at it and made a face like "oh my god". Then i told him I had something else to tell him ... that I think that we shouldn't see each other anymore because he didn't make an effort to ... umm u know build a relationship or something ... and that we weren't on same page. He looked sad and said ok. But he wanted me to have an abortion, I didn't want it. He said he would pay for it. Nice, huh? Nice of me to dump him on the same day I told him I was pregnant! UGH...He said that he won't be around when I have the baby, and that I will be alone, etc. I told him that I wasn't asking him to marry me or anything.. just take the damn responsbility. He said he honestly thought I was on birth control. Ugh. he never even asked me if I was on birth control. GRRRR. I told him he would have to pay child support, etc. He was visibly upset. Well, I didn't get pregnant alone. He did ask if the baby will get H .. .I said no... will the baby be deaf. I told him the baby won't be deaf because it wasn't heredity. He said well since I had lost all the weight, he was afraid my body will be ruined. UGH......

Sooo I left.. was all upset, etc.... told my mom.. she was not happy.. ugh ....

Anyway, I was feeling more tired,,, sore huge boobs... getting sick at smells, etc.. night sickness... one night I went by my parents, they had hamburgers for dinner, and the smell almost made me throw up.

I was just starting to bond with the pregnancy thing.. was thinking about the future, etc.. starting to be a little excited. Being a single mom was scary but I knew I would make it ... I had my first OB appt. on Nov. 1st. I was nervous and excited. I was looking at baby things at Target... I was wanting a boy. :) I even thought of a few names..the one I really like is Gavin Teren or Teren as a first name.

Now onto the hard part.. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks.. which I learned is not uncommon this early pregnancy. Alot of women miscarry not knowing they were pregnant, they often think they were just late. It was ironic that I was watching Birth Story on tv.. then I had to pee.. went to the bathroom, I felt something plop out of me... then i saw blood on tiolet paper.. I freaked.. I didnt even bother to look in the tiolet to see if there were anything. I just hopped into my car and drove down to the urgent care clinic. (good thing they are open on saturdays for urgent care only) .. told them that I was pregnant and that I was bleeding, they got me in right away, but first asked me for co-payment, I got all pissed off at her told her that I may be losing my baby and you are asking for fucking co pay! She was taken aback.... .(yes i paid after the visit). After the doctor examed me, told me to go to the lab for another test, then i waited for results, they gave me paper back with results on it "negative". I was crushed.... went back into the exam room... my best friend IM'ed me while I was there too (i had left a message that I was going to the urgent care bec i was bleeding).. .and the doctor said she was very sorry. (i'm crying as I type this).. left the doctor's office in tears.. .called mom... she asked me if I was ok.. I said yea I guess.. then I texted that guy told him that I lost the baby. He responded "What? I'm sorry you went through that, at least it saved you from having to make a choice". Nice, huh? Grrr then I started to have severe cramps all weekend, heavy bleeding, clotting, lots of tears flowing, etc. I called in sick Monday. It was also difficult to call and cancel my appointment that Monday. I went to the grocery store to get something to eat.. my friend emailed me on my sidekick asking me why I wasn't at work. I told her i had miscarried and that I wasn't in the mood to go to work. She replied back.. "Oh it s just blood you can work you lazygirl".. oh that truly hurt. I did not talk to her for a few months, altho she kept apologizing, saying she didn't mean it. (we are talking now and we have never talked about that since... and it's water under the bridge now)

So, ok, wiping my tears. .

The baby was due on June 25, 2005. He or she would be 2 now. I do wonder what my life would be like now if I had the baby.

But I know it would have been very hard being a single mom. But I would have probably learned alot of patience which I have no patience at times. LOL But i hear having kids helps you build patience. Hmmmmm ...

I still desire to have a child one day, but I'm almost 41 now. I would prefer to be married or at least a long term relationship where the man will stay around. I do think about adopting but I can't afford it right now... and China now doesn't allow single mom adoptions anymore, no deaf parents (unless already have deaf child), and no overweight people too... How stupid. I do not intent to be overweight forever.. I am still working on that..

So I am just happy to have my great neice Zoe where I can have her for the day and give her back to her mother! LOL She's a little drama queen!

Then there's this wonderful beautiful kid down in Florida that I will get to hang out with in December and I can't wait. Maybe Mali and I can share a birthday cake, heh. We shall see! ;)

So that is my long post. I just wanted to share my experience.

Based on my dating experiences and this experience, I have learned and decided that I don't want to get involved too quickly. My last experience, I got involved with Eddie too quickly and he dumped me. So that truly hurt, but I am over it now. When I am back in dating game again, I will make sure sex is not a priority and I want to wait at least a couple months. When I was dating Dustin, we waited a month and I loved that. I just don't like getting involved too quickly. UGH.

Thanks for reading.